Restroom etiquette is an important topic to cover, and should be treated as such. My parents never taught me much about the complexities that can be found when in a public restroom, and I thought that sharing my own experiences and discoveries might benefit some of you less-experienced people out there. I’ve divided this post into two sections, one for those of you who use restrooms, and one for the rare person that plans/constructs restrooms. Keep in mind that all of this is written from the perspective of a man, so women’s restrooms may not fit into these rules. Enjoy.

Restroom Users

To the people who use the restroom in groups: Don’t talk to each other. I get that you may have been having a conversation as you entered the restroom, but it’s awkward and annoying to have to listen to someone else’s conversations while relieving yourself. I can’t imagine that it would be very difficult for you to simply pause your conversation until you left the room.

To those of you who are too cool to wash your hands: You just touched something that I don’t want to know about, let alone come in second-hand contact with in a few moments. You are about to touch the sink, the paper towel dispenser, and the door handle. It doesn’t take that long, so please just wash your hands. As a side note for this rule, I’d like to commit to something: if I see you fail to wash your hands, and then touch me or anything others may touch, I will personally dunk your hands in gasoline and light them on fire. Thanks!

To old men and eager children: Don’t make noises when you’re relieving yourself. The last thing I ever want to hear is a large sigh coming from the urinal next to me. It’s disgusting, unnerving, and just plain rude. I know you can avoid it, so just don’t do it.

To anxious people that only care about themselves: If a stall/door is locked, don’t knock. This is very simple. If the door won’t open, there’s a reason for that. Knocking only communicates to the person inside the following message: “Hey! You know, I’m out here…and you should hurry up!” In other words, it’s just rude. By trying to open the door and realizing it’s locked, you’ve already let me know that you’re there. Knocking just proves that you’re there, and you’re a douchebag.

Restroom Planners

First and foremost (only relevant to men): Put dividers between the urinals. I cannot imagine that skimping out on that can save you that much cash. I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it makes me feel to know that another man can look to the left or right and see…well, you know. It’s just disturbing.

I’d also like to request that you include paper towels. I get that sometimes air driers make some amount of sense, but there are times when they just piss me off. Why don’t you just include both? Then the people with nothing better to do can sit around and wait for their hands to dry, and I can be out the door and back to my life quicker.

That’s all for now, but I’ll probably add more as my frustration gets worse.