In the past few days, I’ve been considering the different categories that different holidays can fit into. My final revision is 4 categories. They are listed below.

  • Jew Day: A day that Jews made up, where they can celebrate and we can all feel bad for them. Why? Because bad things always happen to Jews. Not that they deserve it, because they don’t. But look at history. Bad things consistently happen to Jews. So naturally, they created their holidays with the best of intentions, and now the rest of us can feel guilty. Cool! Examples: All Jewish holidays.
  • Excuse to Get Drunk/Miss Work Day: A day created by the general population of the larger nations, so that they have a reason/excuse to get drunk and/or miss work. Examples: Labor Day, New Year’s Eve, Columbus Day.
  • Hallmark Day: A day created by the Hallmark company so that they can sell more cards. Examples: Valentine’s Day, Father’s/Mother’s Day, etc.
  • Spite the Pagans Day: A day created by the Catholic church on the same date as a long standing Pagan holiday, just to spite them. Examples: Christmas (see: Winter Solstice), Easter (see: Other solstice?), etc.

Pretty good list, yes? Comment with your thoughts, please.

PS: Jesus Saves, Moses Invests

Edit: I’ve updated the description of Jew Days to better reflect my original intentions, instead of the ones pointed out by my good Jewish friends.