So a lot of people in my school hate me now. Not sure how it happened so damned quickly, but you know, that’s what happens when you read off a speech that calls Catholics and Republicans idiots. I swear, I told nothing but truth. Truth hurts, but in this case, it’s hurting me the most.

My speech:

I spent election night in my basement alone, all the lights shut off, surrounded by humming electronics. I had been invited to 10 different election watch parties, but socializing when I could be watching election returns didnt make much sense. Thus, I opted to sit at home, where I could ignore everything except raw results. I spent about an hour preparing my own election center, complete with three televisions, four laptops, and a speaker system on a rotating cycle between the different TVs. At 5 oclock I was ready, refreshing 6 different websites, and watching all of glowing screens intently. I practically jumped out of my skin when the first state was called for Obama. And then a state to McCain. And they continued on for about 4 hours. When the race was called for Obama, I screamed for joy, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I decided to actually look at the geography of this election. I read through the different red states, and gave them each a bit of thought: did I ever want to go there? Was there anything worth seeing there? What is the average IQ in that state? I was most interested in the final question. It turns out that states renowned for being red are also renowned for being full of rednecks. A strange correlation between brains and blue became quite apparent. As the intelligence of a state rises, their likelihood to vote blue in the election gets higher. Throughout all of the red states, there are very few commonalities. As I just mentioned, education (or lack thereof) is one of them.But another is religion.

As an example, let us consider Catholicism. Most Catholics are conservative, and vote red. Red states have more Catholics, judging by that fact. And as everyone who has any real knowledge of religion knows, it oftentimes limits a persons exposure to real-world issues. Dont get me wrong here, I am not against faith. But strong beliefs in things like eating the bones of Christ, and spending every Sunday morning listening to an old man talk about nothing at all does not exactly reflect intelligence.

After spending the whole morning thinking about how I could use this data to predict coming elections, I finally decided to use an equation. In the equation, x is equal to the percentage of a states population that has graduated from college, and y is the percentage that will vote for a republican. By no means is this perfectly accurate, but I think it is a fairly good representation:

100 - x = y

Alright fine, its perfectly accurate.

What I am trying to say here is that Republicans are ignorant. The only reason I can imagine anyone thinking they were voting for the right person by voting Republican is if they did not fully grasp the issues at hand. Stupidity is a strong term, so I will refrain from using it, but because of where people live and how they are raised, they oftentimes do not get enough exposure to what things really matter in this world. In a country full of corrupt religion and misplaced education, how do we fix them? Move them to a blue state.

Hmm…you can probably see how that could easily piss a lot of people off. But I go to a very liberal school. And anyway, the assignment was to create a speech that pushed the limits of everything, might offend some people, and was hilarious in the process. I think I managed that pretty well, right?

Apparently, one of the few Republican students at my school ran out of the room after my speech, and hid in the bathroom for a couple hours. Her mother is over 6 feet tall. I think I should be worried.

Your opinions?